My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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