two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
