I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
