I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
BRING THE BAGELS
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