then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
