the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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