if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize