I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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