Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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