You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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