I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize