I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
