I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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