Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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