I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
