So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
