My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
