we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
