woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I want a musical about memes.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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