And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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