In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
