I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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