ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
