how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
