walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
