there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
