When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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