Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
