3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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