i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
