I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
