You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
