I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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