It's Friday. Sex?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We had to coat check the pizza.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Last time i carry you out of a forest
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
