and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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