Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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