On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize