"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
