Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
