so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
