Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
