I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
