Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
