remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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