I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
