i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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