i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
