Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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