my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
