Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
