At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
