I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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