im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
