i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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