dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
