I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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