Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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